It has been quite difficult for me to write this blog about my concussion, although I started some form of it a month ago. What I realized each time when I thought about writing my blog was I would have to own that I have permanent changes to my brain. Of all things, my brain, now has significantly changed and I need to permanently adapt. As I adapt, I become frustrated and sad that my mind no longer functions the same. This is a before and after blog, written to make others understand what is explicitly different about me. I am also forcing myself to own that the mental capacity I once had, no longer exists. I own that I need to adapt.
Before Before I had a concussion, my mind was sharp and clear. Even with a full caseload of clients, I could remember every obligation without a planner or reminder. I never forgot an important date and was able to section time according to my three jobs. At school, I would repeat a sentence from a book, tell you the page number, and where it was located on the page. At one point, I designed three or four research studies, not including my dissertation. I could write all night, sleep, wake up to Georgia sun, and then teach. I always had energy, no matter how long I sat in front of a computer. My ability to keep going was endless- I worked as a therapist, taught bachelor students, completed an extensive research study, volunteered, exercised, and would walk Leo for hours every day. I almost never forgot a face or a name association. Not only was my mind sharp as a blade, but it cut through multidimensions. My mind never stopped working. After On the worst days, like most Thursdays, I sleep hours of my life away. I should be recruiting participants for my Cleveland research study on Thursdays, but I am too mentally exhausted. By the time I reach Thursday I have used up most of my mental energy, and I still need to see clients on Fridays. Unlike the past, I can only manage two different professional minds simultaneously. In other words, for me to perform well as a professor and psychotherapist, I must sleep most of the day on Thursdays. I am always frustrated on Thursdays. After I forget just about everything, and I mean just about everything. If I forget to write an obligation in my planner, then I forget about it. I forget what I forgot. I forget belongings at friends place or leave them at home when I need them. I forget important dates, like best friends’ birthdays. I forget where I place things. I forget how to remember. After I often feel like my mind is facing a glass window. On the other side, there are ideas, thoughts, sentences, specific words or phrases all swirling in a circle. In order to frame what I want to say, I have to open the window and sort through information before I can speak or write. I feel like I’m living in the mist at times. I need minutes to find what I need or want to articulate. I frequently get frustrated. I also often repeat myself, forgetting things I have already said. I forget a lot. After I am a tenure-track assistant professor, and time is of the essence. As I am still adapting to life after a concussion, I am unsure if I can meet publication requirements in the time allotted to me. I know that down the road, I only want to be a professor. However, I still need to be a therapist. That means I need to figure out how and when to write. This means I need to collect data this summer and learn how to organize my time better. After a concussion this severe, I would benefit from a time extension on tenure. I know that the clock is working against me now, both externally and internally. After, for me, is all about adaptation. Before and After I have the loving support of family, friends, mentors, and colleagues. I have me.
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