I have had writer’s block for a while now. I have read, heard, and felt that the only way to get through writer’s block is by writing. Although writing is a release, and typically a constant for me; I haven’t been able to find the right words to express my thoughts. Disappointment has built walls around me, which is now affecting my ability to write.
I am disappointed in so many things right now. I am disappointed, or in other words, let down by Jon because he broke my heart. I am disappointed by past and present friends- one of which is a true friend. If she read my blog, should would say in a thick Russian accent, “That’s me, and I’m sorry for being mean.” She is one of the reasons I’m so disappointed in my government. I am disappointed that our my government treats immigrants like criminals, without due process and equal rights. I am disappointed that my government wants to retract rights for most people. I am disappointed that our government cares more about supplementing income for already rich people, while simultaneously eliminating opportunities for those who struggle financially. I am disappointed in Donald Trump, and the other elected officials who see nothing wrong with sexually harassing or assaulting women. I am disappointed in our criminal justice, juvenile justice, and child welfare systems. I am disappointed that our current government promotes violence, greed, and corruption. I am disappointed in our not affordable healthcare system. Who is making so much money off of people’s illnesses? The rest of the modern world provides free healthcare. I am disappointed in America. Related to unaffordable healthcare, is the insufficient finances associated with unemployment and low minimum wage rates. It’s like our government stopped caring about the majority of people. Why? I think the answer is greed. I am disappointed in religion, which has caused me to feel lost and without a spiritual home. I am disappointed in the man who shot up a synagogue in Squirrel Hill, Pittsburgh on Sabbath, and the hatred of others that is reflected through his deadly actions. I am disappointed in the global and institutional societal essence that disadvantages most, while advancing the agenda of the financial elite. I am disappointed in the one woman yesterday who sat on a panel, and used another expert as an example, demonstrating her ignorance regarding racial differences. One who doesn’t see color, misses the fact that racial injustice exists, and darkens the vibrancy that exists in different cultures. I am disappointed in some of my family members, which hurts. I am disappointed in former educators, regarding their treatment of me. Again, I’m disappointed in some of my friends, my chosen families at different periods of time in my life. I am disappointed in global capitalism. I am disappointed that in 2018, we continue to operate under a cast system. I am disappointed by war. I am disappointed in the vast amount of unnecessary blood shed, through death, that happens daily across the world. I am disappointed by death. I am disappointed that many people continue to solidify divides. I am disappointed in social injustice, and our inability as a society to proffer equality. More than anything, I am disappointed in myself for not being better. I am disappointed that I am not writing my vision, or painting it on buildings across town. I am disappointed in myself for getting writer’s block. I am also disappointed in me for not being stronger and brighter. I need to illuminate, not dim who I am, what I represent, and my solution-driven purpose to make the world better. I am disappointed in myself for my inability to invite in romantic love. I am disappointed that I am not a wife or mom, and might never be either of those things. I'm disappointed that I am more apt to work, than live. I am disappointed that I don't have enough work done as of yet. I am not asking for the impossible. I am simply asking for change. Human nature has always been inherently good. It is tempting to pursue power and greed, which is why people act so hateful. Although I am disappointed, I am hopeful. I believe we can do better and that we will. Maybe the answer to solving the world’s atrocities, is to write through them, like writer’s block. That way we elicit kindness, through acts of love. I love life…not my own in particular, but life in general. Last night, I went to the Fleetwood Mac concert with my niece, my nephew was there in spirit. He's always there in spirit when my niece and I go on Ohio adventures without him. I remember when I first found Fleetwood Mac, as a young tween. I woke up to a music channel playing their 'Dance Tour’. I was transported to springs that sparkled, landsliding mountains, fields of wild flowers, and music that sang to my soul. Last night, I remembered what it felt like to connect with magic through music. I think we as a people can learn a lot from connection. When people express love through music, laughter, hugs, kisses, stargazing, singing, dancing, talking, cooking, being, etc. we all experience love. I would rather feel love, than disappointment. Now I want to simply write away my disappointment and reside in a space of love.
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